As Christian parents, raising our children, there may be times when the value system of the school not only fails to support, but actively opposes the values we are seeking to instil in our children. Many parents have approached us on how to handle this conflict, so here are our thoughts:
1. Earn influence
Support the teachers. If the first time you speak to your child’s teacher is when you have an issue, it is easier for them to dismiss your concerns because they do not know you. From the start of the school year, or from tomorrow, become the teacher’s greatest supporter. Most teachers are overworked, and underthanked! Even if a teacher is totally against every value you hold dear, they are still giving of themselves to invest in your children and will have strengths that can benefit your child. Make a point of smiling at them, e-mailing them a note of thanks when your child gives you great feedback from a lesson and giving them the obligatory box of chocolates/bottle of wine at the end of term.
Where you can, support the teachers in front of your child and other parents. Where you can’t, say nothing to your child or others until you have had an opportunity to hear direct from the teachers about their reasons for whatever decisions have been made.
Remember your child cannot unsee or unhear something. It is better to not delay but to raise a concern beforehand if you know about it, or to raise a concern as soon as something comes up, in case a ‘part 2’ has been planned.
4. Feel free to withdraw
Asking your child to be withdrawn from an assembly or a lesson is a significant step to take - engagement is always better than withdrawal, but if communication breaks down or reaches a deadlock, withdrawing your child from aspects of school life is a possibility. Remember the teacher only has influence on your child for a year, you have influence over them for a far longer period. God has entrusted you with the care and discipleship of your child and ultimately as a parent your instincts as to what is best for them will often be correct.
1. Earn influence
Support the teachers. If the first time you speak to your child’s teacher is when you have an issue, it is easier for them to dismiss your concerns because they do not know you. From the start of the school year, or from tomorrow, become the teacher’s greatest supporter. Most teachers are overworked, and underthanked! Even if a teacher is totally against every value you hold dear, they are still giving of themselves to invest in your children and will have strengths that can benefit your child. Make a point of smiling at them, e-mailing them a note of thanks when your child gives you great feedback from a lesson and giving them the obligatory box of chocolates/bottle of wine at the end of term.
Where you can, support the teachers in front of your child and other parents. Where you can’t, say nothing to your child or others until you have had an opportunity to hear direct from the teachers about their reasons for whatever decisions have been made.
Support the school. Be there at school events as much as your availability allows. Chat to the headteacher and congratulate him on favourable newspaper articles, ofsted reports, hiring decisions, canteen food and so on.
In other words, be an active part of the school community and help to make it a stronger better place. Let them know that you are for them before you have to stand against one aspect of what is taking place in the time your child is at school. While teachers seek to be impartial, it’s human nature that they find it easier to listen to people who they know are supportive of them, than those who they have not heard from for the last 7 months or who only speak to them when there is an issue. It’s kingdom nature to respect and honour those in authority and to cheer on and encourage those who are doing a great job.
Remember your child will also be watching how you respect their teacher. You are modelling to them how they should behave at school, hopefully making the teachers experience of them a delight and not a disaster.
2. Raise concerns
Many of us do not like to rock the boat. We want to keep the peace and perhaps hold concerns that the teacher may subconsciously start to treat our child differently. But we have a responsibility to speak up when things are not right. It is part of our duty, as parents, to raise and protect our children.
Many of us do not like to rock the boat. We want to keep the peace and perhaps hold concerns that the teacher may subconsciously start to treat our child differently. But we have a responsibility to speak up when things are not right. It is part of our duty, as parents, to raise and protect our children.
Remember your child cannot unsee or unhear something. It is better to not delay but to raise a concern beforehand if you know about it, or to raise a concern as soon as something comes up, in case a ‘part 2’ has been planned.
Ideally you will be able to anticipate some of these things in advance and open up conversations. A friend of mine was a parent-governor in his child’s school. In one of his first governors meetings a couple of the other parents present spoke up. “As this is a church school we feel that it’s not appropriate for the children to celebrate Halloween.” The headteacher listened to their views and then asked what the other governors thought. At this point my friend was able to jump in from the other end of the table and agree with them. A motion was passed that Halloween would not be celebrated in the school, effecting not just my friend’s children for the better, but all the children in the school.
Speak in a way that you can be heard. Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” Our approach should always be gentle and gracious, loving and kind. A brash, aggressive tone, no matter how passionately you feel about the issue (or even if you feel the school has betrayed your trust), does not provide a good witness to Christ. Nor does it win people to your point of view.
To put it another way try to talk with them, not at them. Listen to where they are coming from and engage with what they are saying. This is the kind of engagement Jesus calls us to have with our surrounding culture, even when it is hostile towards us. As he says in Matthew 10:15, “Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.”
3. Seek the middle ground
One parent called me after she had attended the pre-sex ed talk. She was one of three parents who showed up and was shocked by what she saw. The video they planned to show was bordering on pornographic. The mum wanted to pull her daughter from the class as she did not want her exposed to this, but she also did not want her daughter to hear about it second hand in the playground. After some prayer and research, she discovered that the school was using an older version of the resources. This old version had been deemed too explicit and was no longer recommended for use in schools. When she approached the school to explain this to them, they were extremely grateful and immediately ordered the updated version for use. Everyone was happy with this resolution.
One parent called me after she had attended the pre-sex ed talk. She was one of three parents who showed up and was shocked by what she saw. The video they planned to show was bordering on pornographic. The mum wanted to pull her daughter from the class as she did not want her exposed to this, but she also did not want her daughter to hear about it second hand in the playground. After some prayer and research, she discovered that the school was using an older version of the resources. This old version had been deemed too explicit and was no longer recommended for use in schools. When she approached the school to explain this to them, they were extremely grateful and immediately ordered the updated version for use. Everyone was happy with this resolution.
It may be that you suggest the school invited someone from your church leadership (warn them in advance) to give a different perspective on the issues. There may be a local group who go into schools to share from an angle that both you and the school can accept. Where you can find the middle ground, everyone benefits, relationships with the school are preserved and once again all the children benefit from the changes you could bring.
Asking your child to be withdrawn from an assembly or a lesson is a significant step to take - engagement is always better than withdrawal, but if communication breaks down or reaches a deadlock, withdrawing your child from aspects of school life is a possibility. Remember the teacher only has influence on your child for a year, you have influence over them for a far longer period. God has entrusted you with the care and discipleship of your child and ultimately as a parent your instincts as to what is best for them will often be correct.
Currently parents still have a right to withdraw their children from certain classes. This right is being eroded in the UK, with headteachers being given the authority to overrule parent’s wishes in ‘exceptional circumstances.’ Time will tell what these circumstances may be, but it may be very dependant on the headteacher’s discretion and personal views.
The ultimate withdrawal available to parents is to home school. Whilst this is not an option all would consider, it should also not be seen as a withdrawal from the mission field. There are many home-schooled children who do not know Christ whose children are not in school and need to hear the Gospel. We want to raise our children to be able to engage with others from a different viewpoint, so that they can impact the world as they grow.
5. Talk with your child
Fostering an open relationship with your child on all topics will allow you to hear what they think. Ask them questions to find out what their thoughts are. “What do you think about this?” “What would you like to do?” What do you think the school should do?” By listening to them you can see if the issue you are considering raising is a major game changer in their life, or if it is something that will be forgotten about five minutes after the class ends.
Fostering an open relationship with your child on all topics will allow you to hear what they think. Ask them questions to find out what their thoughts are. “What do you think about this?” “What would you like to do?” What do you think the school should do?” By listening to them you can see if the issue you are considering raising is a major game changer in their life, or if it is something that will be forgotten about five minutes after the class ends.
If you are raising an issue with the school it is important that you discuss this with your child. After all teachers and friends may grill your child as to why such a fuss was made. The phrase, ‘cos my my mum says so,’ is less powerful than an articulate response backed up by facts.
6. Take it higher
If you feel you do not have a satisfactory response, don’t regress into passivity but continue to engage. Take the issue higher to the headteacher or the board of governors. If the issue is significant you may consider asking for support from outside agencies such as Christian Concern.
If you feel you do not have a satisfactory response, don’t regress into passivity but continue to engage. Take the issue higher to the headteacher or the board of governors. If the issue is significant you may consider asking for support from outside agencies such as Christian Concern.
7. Pray
In all of these discussions we are engaging with the world around us as the salt and light of the world. Prayer is a key part of this engagement. Many parents start prayer groups in schools to support the staff and pupils, and to ask God to come by His Holy Spirit to draw people to Him. As parents we are called to fight in the spirit on behalf of our children as warriors for them (Psalm 127:5). Joining with other parents from the school and church community is a powerful way to do this.
In all of these discussions we are engaging with the world around us as the salt and light of the world. Prayer is a key part of this engagement. Many parents start prayer groups in schools to support the staff and pupils, and to ask God to come by His Holy Spirit to draw people to Him. As parents we are called to fight in the spirit on behalf of our children as warriors for them (Psalm 127:5). Joining with other parents from the school and church community is a powerful way to do this.
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